In The Land of The Seeing

birthday story.

story time
once upon a time
like so many stories begin
once upon a time
to signify that it is not the present
but a long time ago
before computers and condoms and email
there was a boy named Christof
Christof lived with his two younger sisters, his father, and his evil step mother
now
right now you realize two things
Christof is our hero, he will encounter magical things, because this is clearly a fairytale, what with beginning it, once upon a time and he suffers, because he has an evil step mother
EVIL
step mother
it's never just his step mother, always EVIL step mother
that's key
it's not his natural birth mother because his genetic mother could not be evil
no, she would be kind and caring
it associates with children how they always feel that maybe there parents, who are figures of authority, and therefore punishment, are not their real parents. Their real parents would never treat them badly
they would never hurt them or make them do work
they are kind folk
loving and nurturing
but I digress
Christof had a bitch of a step mother
she fucking beats him with a hickory switch
and sure as shit doesn't let him listen to the Black Mages on full blast
he has to sleep in the garage
with the mules
and by mule I mean F150
by the way this is a modern fairy tale
like Cinderfella or The Passion of the Christ
One day Christof is weeding the garden, you know, planting gardenias and shrubbery
and his big-titted step mom (why else would the dad marry her) is sitting in a lawn chair tanning, sipping on a bloody mary or some kind of yuppie cocktail
and screaming the fuck at him
so he takes the planting bulbs he has in his hand, and wouldn't you know, a magic fairy bursts out of it, and tells him to yell the word Sluberdegoleon at his step mother, and she will turn in a magic muscle car which will drive him to sunny San Diego
and he yells SLUBERDEGOLEON!
and his mother turns into a goddamn mustang
well he asks the fairy
Who the hell are you.
and the fairy says
my name is Rickenshaw
I come form the land of Hawaii
if you "dance" with me, I will turn into a beautiful princess
now here dance means have sex with, but this is for the kids, so we'll just say dance
so he dances the bejesus out of her
and she turns into a beautiful princess
now they both get into the hot pink mustang that just happened to be there and it just drives them to the land of San Diego
all the time they dance together in the back seat
Steppenwolf plays on the stereo 24/7
they have all kinds of adventures on their trip to San Diego
he "slays" a dragon with his magic "sword"
(for slays see the note about dance)
it turns into another beautiful princess
but he brings her back to her father the King of Kansas City for a whole bunch of gold
like
more than a hundred monkeys can carry
the hundred monkeys follow him on his journey, and when he has to fight the three headed ogre to get to enter the City of San Diego, the monkeys fight the battle for him and win
but right now he's in Reno
"dancing" with a bunch of "princesses"
the overt sexual undertones of fairytales serve to teach children about the changes they undergo in maturing into adults, but this isn't a fucking college course so I won't really bore you with that
they get to San Diego
fight a giant ogre
has three fucking heads, swear to god
the people are so happy that he defeated the ogre (you guessed it, turned into another princess that he had to dance with) they make him king of San Diego and proclaim the Princess Rickenshaw their queen
meanwhile he faxes his dad and two sisters that he's a goddamn king
they come and meet him and the sisters become princesses and marry some other kings of awesome places
the Kingdom of Hawaii is also theirs so hang ten dude
awesome
FRICKING AWESOME, he yells
he throws this big ass party
of like 100 kingdoms, because he's now in charge of them, what with marrying into a bunch of wealth and pimping out his sisters to some others johns
and the party lasts for one hundred thousand days
and he is proclaimed the greatest dancer of all
the end
That's how you tell a story

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